m.i.a.

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we haven’t seen him all day. the last we remember he was in the house when we all went to bed last night. someone must have let him out during the night because he wasn’t in the house when we got up. he wasn’t here this morning and he wasn’t waiting for us like normal when we got home this afternoon. his food hasn’t been touched. and the kids are all looking at me all suspicious like. because i have – in the past – said i hate dogs. and meant it. but i have never said i would make one disappear.

ms. jackson knew what she was talkin’ about

nasty boys don’t mean a thing
oh you nasty boys dont mean a thing to me
nasty… dont mean a thing
oh you nasty boys

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i still hate the dogs and spending an afternoon removing ticks from them has done nothing at all to change that. not.at.all. but no one can say i’m an irresponsible dog owner. i’ll admit i withhold my affections from them, but that’s because i hate them. no lie. so yesterday i picked ticks and bathed them. today or tomorrow i’ll treat them with frontline. and i will never, ever, ever, never, never ever own dogs again. see, i still remember.  of course, these dogs will probably live to be like 5000.

what’s in your boot, er, ummm, i mean bonnet?

i saw a snake. a freakin’ big snake. a ginormous snake. and it was on the road. and i drove over it – which isn’t the same as running over it. my tires did not come in contact with it. and now all i can think of is how in the no. 1 ladies detective agency mma romatswe talks about these really bad mamma jamma snakes that hide in the engines of the car for warmth and then when you go to look under your hood boot bonnet guess what you find. so i won’t be lifting the hood boot bonnet of my car ever!

and speaking of…. guess what was on tv – like real tv, not the tv you watch on the youtube (which just so happens to be all the tv i see) – guess. guess. the number one ladies detective agency movie. yes, it was. the internets told me so! it was on bbc one (not the youtube, so that means i didn’t get to see it) over easter. and i want to see it. badly. want. to. see. it.

what can’t i do?

so, remember when the dogs did this…

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and then this weekend, while i was gone, they did this…

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(amazingly, they still have the ability to inhale and exhale.)
so today i pulled the window screens out of the storage room and took the screen door off it’s hinges and i did this…
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.
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all by myself. and while i was re-screening the windows and the door i was making a promise to myself. wanna know what it was? i will never, ever, ever, never, never, ever own dogs again. i know, never say never, but i’m thinking i mean it this time. and i give permission to all the internets to slap me cross eyed if you ever hear me say or think i’m thinking, “maybe we should get another dog.”

that’s exactly what i want

bob barker says to do it, so gosh darn it, we’re gonna do it. because we are responsible pet owners. that’s us. and because i really can’t bear the idea of our little waan being party to ruining the reputation of some lovely little female dog. and there is some nasty, gross doggy s.t.d. going around thailand – i didn’t know a dog could get an s.t.d., but they can. and this one’s gross.

so after school when i heard one of the other moms talking about taking their neighborhood stray in for a spay my ears perked up. i got all the details, the vet is close to us; no, you don’t need an appointment; exactly where i should park; etc… and we made haste… we drove straight home, picked up the dirty, rotten scoundrel and headed to the vet. where they spoke more english than i spoke thai, but we still had difficulty communicating. i know, i need to learn thai. i said, “he needs to be neutered.” she said, “an injection?” i said, “well, that, too, but he needs to be neutered. a surgery.” she gave me a blank look, now i have learned that in many instances if i can just search my internal thesaurus and come up with a different word – possibly a british word – then i can be understood. this doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. so i start searching… i couldn’t think of any synonyms, not one. so, i pick the dog up and point at what i want gone and say, “these need to go away.” i thought that was pretty clever. it wasn’t really helpful. so we make a few more attempts. i say things like, “no babies”, “we don’t want to be grandparents”, “we want him sterile”, “we can’t afford to be part of a he’s-the-baby-daddy scandal”, etc… but we’re getting no where. and then she says, and this is proof of divine intervention, “you want operation. you want testes severed.” i say, “that’s exactly what i want.”

so, bob barker, drew carey it’s time to change that tag line… next time i catch the price is right – which could be a very long time because we don’t have tv and if/when we do i don’t know that the price is right airs here – i expect to hear you say, “help control the pet population. have your pet spayed or his testes severed.”