Oh, hi.

So it’s been a while… like a year and a half or so, but I’m hanging in here – until recently, like the last month or so, I would have added “barely” to that statement.  I feel like I’ve been hibernating and it’s now time for spring to get here.

I’ve got lots of reasons for my absence, but the biggest one is I don’t know how many ways I could say I just can’t function or even more, I don’t have the words to explain why I couldn’t function.

In the past 18 months…

I returned to America.  Not by choice, but at, what I do think, was a good time for our family.  And turns out many people had expectations of what this would mean and I found that very overwhelming so I responded in ways that could and did damage relationships.

I got a part-time job at World Market – great store, but also overwhelming to work retail at the holidays.

Then I spent Thanksgiving with my immediate family.   Michael arranged for Chan and Aly to make it to Colorado.  And there were friends there.  It was good. It was probably the first big positive in our return.

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And somewhere in this time, I discovered that I brought a great big ol’ helping of social anxiety with me when I returned to America.  I don’t know where or when I picked it up, but man I caught a massive case of it and it seems like it might be a permanent part of who I now am.

Christmas came.  Parts of Christmas were good.  When we heard we’d be returning to America I thought a few of the positives that would come with that would be time with friends and time with family.  We had a great Christmas with some awesome friends.

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We made it into the New Year – 2017, I was determined I would get things under control.  I didn’t.  But I didn’t give up.

In January of 2017, my older brother died.  It was devastating. Not because he died.  But because I’d wished him dead for many, many years and his death changed nothing other than to cause me more pain than he’d caused me while he was living.

The holidays were over, New Year was over.  I needed to do something that felt like forward motion so I got a job at Caption Call.  It was also part-time, so between my two part-time jobs, I had a full-time job.  And what’s the best thing to do when you have two part-time jobs? Find a temporary full-time job.  A temporary full-time job that is a Monday – Friday kind of job.   The kind of job that makes you quit your two part-time jobs.

In March of 2017, I started working at Compassion International.  Yes, the same place that Michael works.  The reason we were in Asia.  It was just the kind of job I needed.  Set hours and responsibilities that didn’t extend past the hours I was required to be at work.  In May of 2017, I was able to turn my temp job into a permanent job.

About this time Sam came to us and wanted to know if his graduation trip could be to Thailand.  He’d taken his GED and passed with flying colors with college credits and all that jazz.  When Chan graduated we took a family trip to Japan.  When Aly graduated we took a family trip to New Zealand.  Sam wanted to return to Thailand to see his friends graduate high school.   Michael and I thought this was a great idea, but it couldn’t be a family trip.  Finances and jobs wouldn’t allow for it.  So it was a Sam and mom trip.  It was a healing trip.  It was the first time I heard Sam speak of Thailand as his home and not as a place he’d never wanted to live.  It gave him an opportunity for closure.  It also gave me an opportunity for closure.  I saw friends.  I made my way along roads that for years had been home for me.  I saw life had gone on without me.  And that it was okay.  I returned from Thailand knowing Thailand was no longer my home and recognizing that I hadn’t made a home in America, either.

Life was painful.  Interactions with people hurt.  And that makes life very difficult.  When you want to put your best foot forward and make a really good impression, but every single time you try you fail, it doesn’t make life easier.  It’s caused me to mess up relationships with some neighbors and to not even try to have relationships with other neighbors.  It caused me to mess up relationships with friends and it’s caused me to mess up relationships with family.   It’s hard to navigate life when you feel like with every hello you say you owe that person an apology.    And when you see all the failed relationships around you and you see that the common denominator of them all might be? could be? is?  you, it’s crushing.

But that’s where I am. And the funny thing is that I do feel like I’m turning a corner.  Every day no longer feels like a challenge. I don’t think the tension of finding my home will ever go away, but I now know that I can live with that tension and thrive in that tension.

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making a home

one of the things i’m looking forward to in colorado is making a home for our family.

i currently have three things hanging on walls in my house and they are all in odd locations because that’s where the nail or screw just happened to already be and that got me thinking…

when we moved to thailand we assumed we’d be here a long time.  a really long time, but we’ve never had a timeline.  we didn’t really know how long we’d be here when we arrived and each year came with either the promise of another year or the threat that we could be moving.  that makes it hard to create a home.  i’ve never put a nail into a wall here.  if something happens to be hung it’s because there was already a nail in place to hold it.  for christmas decorations we used temporary tape type things.  nothing permanent.  nothing that left a hole that would require filling in when we left.  we’ve lived in three houses here and i’ve painted one room.  the kitchen in the current house.  but it still doesn’t feel like my kitchen.  it’s just a borrowed kitchen i’ve painted yellow.

a while ago (while i was cooking christmas dinner) michael and i had a fight over a ladle.  i was cooking and i commented that i would be glad to not see this particular ladle once we moved.  he said that we should take it with us, a new ladle would cost money that we didn’t need to spend.  his statement might be true, but my only thought was that this ladle belongs in a kitchen that is in a house that’s never been our home (i also thought ladles are cheap and if i want a new ladle i’ll get a new ladle.)  i think it might have been the first time we had to think about our return being more than just a move.  while a lot of the steps are the same as the moves we’ve made in the past – making to do lists, packing boxes, arranging logistics… all that fun stuff – there’s something different on the other end.  something that i’m not totally ready to embrace, but something that i know will be good.

i’m looking forward to making a home.  i’m going to paint walls (lots of walls, but not all the walls) and i’m going to hang pictures.

 

 

 

 

making plans, dragging feet

time marches on.  it just won’t stop and i’d like it to.  i’d like to pull back on the reigns and say, “whoa” and have time stop.  and wait until i’m ready for it to move forward, but it won’t.  it just won’t.

right now i count the days by the thens.  michael’s in indonesia right now.  he’s been gone for almost 2 weeks and has another week to go.  then he’s home for a little less than a week.  then he’s in africa for approximately 2 weeks.  then he’ll be home for close to a week.  then he’s in america for 4 days.  (yes, he’ll spend almost as much time traveling for that trip as he will actually be there and he’ll spend way more time recovering from that trip than he will be there.)  then he’s home.  and for some reason that’s when time really starts for me.  time starts in april.  not sure what my mind thinks happens between now and then (mid Feb and early April), but for some reason it doesn’t feel real.  it doesn’t feel like progress.  about the same time michael returns from america family starts arriving.  aly (i cannot wait to see her, it’s been so long!!!), her boyfriend (we’ve never met him), my mom, and my aunt will all come to chiang mai.  and i’m crossing my fingers and hoping against hope that chan will also be coming (that feels like a bit of a long shot, but also not impossible).  we’ll have two weeks of family and tourist stuff and songkran and time not stopping.  overshadowing everything is the weight of “this is it”.  this is good bye.  this is our last smokey season (miserable, but we’ll miss it).  our last hot season (miserable, but we’ll miss it).  our last songkran (not always miserable and something i will definitely miss).  and i think what makes it harder is that it doesn’t feel like there are any firsts to come.  it isn’t our first time to live in america.  it’s not our first time to live in colorado.  it’s not even our first time to live in the house we’ll be returning to.  it feels like too much.  but it can’t be stopped.

so, we make plans.  there are the we need to sort this plans, the we need to do this plans – the logistical stuff that comes with moving.  those are sort of easy (easy to see, not necessarily easy to do.)  but then there are the we have to do this plans.  and they aren’t the same for all of us.  michael is ticking off some of his through work.  i know with each trip he makes he’s saying goodbyes.  and it’s not easy for him.   the hardest plan of all is the final how do we leave chiang mai plan.   figuring out how to do goodbye isn’t easy.

it’s much easier to say late july is forever away.

buy me some popcorn and cracker jacks

whatever this is i’ve got hasn’t had me feeling like doing much of anything, but we finally got out of the house to do something that wasn’t running an errand. we went to a baseball game – the colorado rockies vs. the san francisco giants. i enjoy a baseball game, but i do find they can go on a bit long. i’m not the only one who feels this way because our group decision was that we would arrive sometime after the game had started. we were shooting for second or third inning, but ended up arriving at the bottom of the fifth.  still plenty of game to watch.  and look how awesome our seats were.  (i even zoomed in a little.)

rockies were up 1-0 when we got there, but pretty quickly the giants tied it up.  it was still tied as we went into the bottom of the 9th inning and i was a little worried we were in for extra innings.  i really couldn’t complain too much, it was a beautiful day – 82 degrees.  however, a run was batted in and our team won.

i’m really a texas rangers fan.  the rockies our only my team when we’re in colorado.  or when the rangers aren’t playing in colorado.  after the game there was a mercy me concert.  and both of these things happened at the same time.

those speakers were loud, but he still managed to snooze.

after the game and concert we needed to eat.  we were undecided on where we wanted to go until we saw the sign for five guys burgers.

five guys was on the list of must eat places because not too long ago the kids came across this on you tube (i can’t figure out how to actually embed the video – i’ve tried several tutorials, but no luck.)  the guy in the video is right.  these are good burgers.

alive and mostly well

we made it to america and i still have a japan wrap up post to write, but it has pictures to go along with it and right now photos are proving to be a bit of a challenge.

one of the first things we did after finally arriving in colorado was drop off my laptop at the mac store. and they couldn’t fix it so it had to be sent out and is not due to return for another day or two (or three). i am now limited to an ipad and they aren’t so friendly with the pictures.

speaking of colorado – they should totally change their state motto to “the land that lacks moisture and oxygen” (or something witty like that). also, almost immediately upon landing i was struck ill. i was convinced i’d brought back some tropical japanese type disease, but have changed theories now and am pretty sure it’s just allergies. jet-lag plus allergy fuzzy headedness equals misery and also has the added bonus of making one a pretty lack luster contributor to any social situation. unless the social situation is improved by the presence of nasty flem-y coughing.

just like the good ol’ days

the past few days we’ve gotten to spend quite a bit of time with our old neighbors. we love our old neighborhood and we still own our house in that neighborhood. we don’t love the house and never really have, but the neighbors are fantastic.

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there are two families of kids missing from this picture, one has moved away and one just wasn’t around the day we took the picture. c17 and a14 recognize that the time we have spent here has been a bit different from what it would be like if we actually lived back here. not that we still wouldn’t have great times, but it just wouldn’t be all great all the time. everyone has been on their best behavior and grace is free flowing.

s11 struggles more with understanding this. for him this is heaven and – at least in his head – it was always heaven and always will be. forever and ever, amen. and as delightful as these visits are – and as much as i wouldn’t change anything about them – for s11 the goodbyes are excruciatingly painful. worse than the first goodbyes. and they’ve started.

our time in colorado is drawing to an end and these goodbyes are the what fill up the negative column of living in another country.

america the beautiful park

we’ve been looking for a way to get the kids out of the house and do something. i decided that today we’d venture out to america the beautiful park. it was opened in 2006 – that year also happened to be the 200th anniversary of the writing of the song america the beautiful. which was written by katherine lee bates at the top of pike’s peak right here in colorado springs.

turns out parks aren’t at the top of the must do list for the 11 and up set.

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but that didn’t seem to keep them from having a good time.

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