summer’s treacherous a**

“but then fall comes, kicking summer out on its treacherous ass” –  stephen king salem’s lot.

i am so ready for september.

ok, that’s not totally true.  i’m currently eye ball deep trying to plan our family vacation to tokyo.  what feels like our last family of five vacation (that may or may not prove true).  and i’m liking being the one in control, cuz i’ve been able to throw a few things into the itinerary that i’m pretty sure no one else would have considered.  like a meat theme park.  that’s made the final cut.  a parasitological museum?  we’re doing that.   and 7 days of just the 5 of us?  mastercard got that right – priceless.  i’m totally sure it’s going to be worth the crazy way we’re getting there.  two of us on one airlines.  three on another.  different airports and different layovers.  memories galore.

but then we head to america.  i’ve got a whole lot of mixed feelings about that.  i know that the “omg – chan’s going to live in america even after the rest of us return to thailand” situation has me all kinds of out of sorts.  (chan is C19’s real name – or at least his real nickname – he’s an adult now.  no need to protect him any longer.) but there’s also the perceived expectations i’m already feeling (i bolded perceived on purpose, because i know there’s a slight possibility that it’s all in my head).  our time in the states – as a whole – is not a relaxing time for me.  it’s a go here, do this, get this done kind of time and by the time it’s over i’m totally ready to get back to my life.  my home.  my agenda.

it’s not easy to depend on others for almost everything.  where are we gonna stay?  we can’t afford hotels so we count on friends and family to put us up.  we do have plenty of offers and i’m pretty sure none of those offers are given grudgingly.  some people like us.

there’s also the getting to and fro?  we need to be picked up and delivered to airports.  we’ve got doctor’s appointments to make.  i’ve got a few courses to attend and michael’s going to need to get to and from work.  and sometimes it’s just nice to be able to get away.  for one hour (or two or three).  alone.  or with a kid (or two or three) who need a break because we’re overwhelmed.  because america is awesome and at times just way too much to take in.

it feels so ungrateful to whine and complain.  we have some of the most generous, amazing friends and family who we know are spending time and money to be there for us.  and i am so appreciative of that.  i am looking forward to being able to spend time with people who love us and who have loved us for a long time.  i crave the heart to heart talks i know we’ll have, the sharing of life that we will do (short as that time might be), and the ability let our guards down – to just be.  but the scary part of that is that i’m not sure i know how to do that anymore.

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