lately i’ve been finding myself in a bit of a panic. time is marching on and i’m not liking it. and even more than not liking it, i feel like i’m encouraging it – but what i want to do – with every cell in my body – is stop it. c-17 is at the root of my panic. 18 months from now he graduates from high school. and it’s entirely possible, even most likely probable, that he will head to the states to college. and, by the states, i mean the united states of america. the ones that are many, many, many thousands of miles away.
would i be feeling this way if we were living in america mid-term during his junior year of high school? i’m not sure. and why, 18 months out, am i panicking? i don’t know. maybe it’s because he’s off at the beach. the beach in southern thailand. without us. i know he’s having a great time. and i know he’s making great memories. (and i’d be lieing if i didn’t admit to a few fleeting thoughts about what a cool mom i am letting him go to the beach with his friends over christmas break.) he managed the overnight train from chiang mai to bangkok with a friend. no adult help. and together they managed to figure out a solution to the train being late and causing them to miss their connection to hua hin. and they managed all this without a rescue call. which is reassuring. and i’m incredibly proud of him for being such a responsible kid – or rather young man, but i’m also a little bit sad that he managed that without me.
i know i’ll always be his mom, but the level of dependency is changing. and all i can think is how much i’ve wished his entire life for him to be more dependent. starting as a tiny baby. i remember how happy i was when he slept through the night without me having to help him get back to sleep. what a momentous occasion it was when he walked – knowing the days of me carrying him or pushing him everywhere in a stroller were coming to an end. his first day of school (okay, that didn’t happen until the 4th grade). and on and on go the milestones. how i wished them to come. and all that wishing has gotten us here. to the point where he’s responsible enough to handle a trip like this without us. to the point where we can even begin to fathom him living half way around the world without us. it’s very possible my worries are unfounded. that he’ll be fine. that he’ll flourish. (that’s what i’m hoping for.) but what if he needs us. what if it’s not all unicorns and roses (i know it won’t be all unicorns and roses and i also know that that’s not the actual saying.) what then? there’s not much we’ll be able to do to help.
and while it is still 18 months away, and it seems a tad silly to be so worked up over something that is 18 months away – i am most certain these will be the shortest 18 months of my life.