i’m taking a page out of leigh vs. laundry’s book – or maybe it’s a post off of leigh vs. laundry’s blog – whatever, i’m stealing her idea. she had a nervous breakdown on day 43 of summer and i’m contemplating a nervous breakdown on day 55 of summer. that’s 12 more days than she made it – woot. (i know, competitiveness isn’t that attractive.)
i’ve actually only just arrived at the edge of breakdown, but i can feel myself teetering. i know you’re wondering how i can go from doing so well to suddenly doing maybe not so well. it’s a gift i have. the problems go something like this.
way back when our mâe bâan’s husband gave us a puppy. then he took the dog away. the kids mourned the removal of that dog, but recovered. i didn’t mourn. i rejoiced. then our mâe bâan’s husband, because he hates me, gives us two puppies. the children rejoice. i begin step one towards the edge. well, really this is step two. step one began before step two was completed. step one is two-parted. part a) michael and c16 head to the us of a while the rest of us stayed behind and part b) in the 5 weeks they are gone i hear from michael maybe 5 times. and the last one of those times was over a week ago. that’s a general explanation of why i’m teetering, but i feel like maybe i should break it down some.
starting with the puppies. i am no lover of dogs. but dogs seem to be important in the life of my youngest son, so i figure what can it hurt to have a dog. and by a dog – i mean one dog. but i’m weak and my family knows it – we become a 2 dog family. and dog #2 sort of softened my heart towards dogs a bit. she’s cute and sweet and not too bothersome. then the first gift puppy came along. and she was bad. bad bad bad. and by bad i mean evil. when khao said he was going to take her away my soul rejoiced. and we discussed the fact that i wanted no more puppies. no more. none. that the two dogs we have are plenty. all we need. we did have this discussion in thai, but i felt good about it. and for several weeks i felt lighter. until i didn’t. because khao showed up one afternoon with not one, but two puppies. and handed them off to the two kiddos who are still in thailand. and i forced a smile. and didn’t know what to do. because with all of my being i don’t want these puppies. these puppies have moved me from being not a lover of dogs to being not even a liker of dogs. soon i’ll be a hater of dogs. i need them to go away. but how? the kids will be crushed. i’m sure khao will be crushed. but the longer they are here the more bitter i become. and as the days pass the direction my feelings of bitterness are aimed is changing. it’s almost now pointed squarely at jim and khao (our mâe bâan and her husband). and last night one of the puppies pooped out round worms. gross, nasty, disgusting. and i’m thinking that that alone should be enough to send me over the edge.
now the michael and chan being in the us of a issue. the truth is their actual going isn’t really part of the problem. i mean, sure, i’d love to be there and so would a13 and s10. but we discussed it plenty before hand and knew this is the way it had to happen. so, i’d prepared myself. i knew at times i’d be a bit resentful and i was okay with that. but what i wasn’t prepared for was the no communication. i was aware that there would be a week or so of no communication. there’s no internet at camp so i was counting on one week of not hearing from him. and i knew that the times available for chatting would be limited, mainly to morning and evening, because of the 12 hour time difference. so i made sure i was available almost every morning and every evening. and by made myself available i mean i sat at my computer just hoping to see that he was online. and frequently i woke during the middle of the night to see if he might be on midday where he was. but i rarely caught him. what about email you ask. well, the only emails i received from him were in reply to mine and only answered whatever specific question i asked, no info about the goings on over there. no email just to say he loves me, etc. and i think i know why he hasn’t communicated much. he’s been very, very busy and he hasn’t wanted to inconvenience anyone. and – if i’m honest – that’s part of what has me bothered. but the bigger part of what has me bothered is that we have, on more than one occasion, discussed how important it is for me to hear from him when he’s traveling. not hearing from him turns me a bit scary. a bit stalkerish. it’s not that i think he might be up to no good, it’s just that i really hate the feeling that i fall into the category of out of sight, out of mind.