one is silver and the other gold

as a general rule, i don’t do friendship well. like any rule, there are exceptions, but they are few and far between. i am great at acquaintances. keeping things surface is my forté. see, i sort of keep people at arm’s length and i can be a bit prickly – which really gets in the way of getting below the surface.

part of my struggle is that i’m pretty sure i lack the friendship forming gene. i honestly don’t get how people become fast friends – and by fast i mean, like, taking less than 4 years – and where i find myself now is a difficult place. and i do mean that literally. because it’s a very transient community. people are constantly coming and going. and it’s a diverse community. people from all over the world, with different customs, expectations and not to mention languages and accents. it makes it all a bit more difficult. but, i also mean that i’m in a difficult place figuratively. because i’ve reached the point that i have become fully aware that the root of the problem is me. i’ve been resistant to putting myself out there – to being vulnerable. and i want to be different. i want to have people (heck, i’d be happy with just a person) that i can be completely me with. that i can laugh with and cry with. that i can share the ups and downs with. i’m tired of being lonely. and i’m tired of wishing and wanting.

and what’s really frustrating is that those people. those people who can be friends – really good friends – are right in front of me. and i’ve made excuses, pushed them away and sabotaged relationships. but it’s time for a change. it’s time to take control. it’s time to mend fences and take risks. i’m not so confident of what the results will be, but i’m willing to give it a go.

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