i’ve got a secret

i feel like i’m a great (and i don’t mean great as in very, very good – i mean it as in typical, representative of many) example of a good deal of today’s christians. if you’ve read every post on my short lived blog i’m certain you have come across one that gives you an inkling that i’m a christian, maybe two, but i doubt it. i believe that God has a plan for me, for my husband, for my children… i believe that Jesus is the son of God, in the virgin birth, the crucifixion and the resurrection. i know that Christ died for my sins and it is through Him that i have eternal life. (look i even know i should use capital letters) i believe in the power of prayer and i know i couldn’t deal with everything that is going on right now if i wasn’t sure God is in it. i listen to worship music; my car radio is programmed to the christian stations; i could lay my hand on my bible without much effort. but all of that can be kept pretty private. i can choose who i let know about this and who i don’t. my opinion is asked and rather than give the advice that i know is correct i might just say what i’m sure whoever it is wants to hear and i can do this under the guise of not wanting to alienate. when the truth is i don’t want to be alienated myself. i’ve always figured that because i’m not hiding – at least not making a great attempt to hide – my faith all is good. if asked, i’m very quick to proclaim my faith. but to offer it up, to be transparent – that’s scary. part of that is a desire to fit in, you know, to be cool (a want left over from my not so distant youth, i’m sure). and i can even excuse it – tell myself that if i’m too dogmatic (“too” being a judgment call – in this case it means taking any stand at all) that i’ll turn off those very people i can influence. in spite of this, i know God loves me. He knows this weakness and i know He knows. but to change is hard. i’m very fond of the saying “of the world, but not in it” but i’m not sure that my life is currently prepositionally correct. i know it’s time to take a stand, to be transparent, to be “of” and not “in”. and i know that’s so much easier said than done.

4 thoughts on “i’ve got a secret

  1. Thank you! For weeks, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to “Come out” . . . this is the very, very issue I feel “called” (to use a pious word) to write about. And yet I haven’t started. You’re right–it is scary. Just like you said, I’m afraid of being judged. Sooooo much to talk/write about ….. a dialogue we can have as posts continue. For now – suffice to to say, thank you. 🙂 And thanks to the big deity upstairs who surely orchestrated this meeting. 🙂

  2. thanks for that! it’s nice to know i’m not the only one trying to work through this. i’ve been toying with why i’m in this condition… i think it’s not only just being embarrassed. maybe it’s partly that the when i think of strong christian women i generally come up with a list of women not so much like me. different than i am, nothing wrong with them, but i think a struggle has developed – at least in my mind – about how to reconcile the woman i am with the mold of a “good christian” woman i have in my mind. i’m certain there’s a blog post in this… i’m gonna work on that.

  3. I think my fear about labeling myself as a Christian to people who don’t know me is that I don’t want to be associated with hateful people like Jerry Falwell & his cronies. Deep down, I know that the only way to change that stereotype is to be more vocal about my faith. But I’m not there yet. I’m really looking forward to reading your future thoughts on the topic (I have no idea how you have time to write! You’ve got so many responsibilities.) Perhaps after you’re settled in your new home. 🙂 Meanwhile, I’ll get going on some drafts as well. We could publish a collection of essays “On Coming Out – the New Christian Women” . . . . LOL!

  4. Pingback: more about my secret « transplanting me

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