i want to sound smart

i’ve started many journals and purchased many, many more with the intent of starting and finishing them. i always get bogged down in the wanting to sound smart of it. i want everything that flows from my pen to be meaningful – to have an impact. i picture my kids reading these journals – after i’m gone – and being in awe of this woman who was their mother. i want them to be amazed at the things i’ve written, the deep thoughts i’ve had and the wonderful way i was able to capture them on paper. the truth is – i’m a mom. a mom who rarely knows what she’s gonna cook for dinner, struggles (and fails many times) to keep the house clean. and if i’m honest a mom whose greatest desire – at times – is for a few moments alone. not all that interesting. i find myself struggling with the same wants in this blog. i want to sound smart – i thought long and hard about a title (and still am not certain it’s the best i could come up with). i want to look at my blog stats and see that more people read my blog today than yesterday – that i had an affect on them, made them say, “hmmm…” or chuckle to themselves. and i want comments. it seems quite sick – something i should work to overcome. so i will delete all the drafts i have saved – the ones that i’m sure with a little more work will sound very smart (but don’t say much about me) and i will blog about my life. i won’t worry about what people think. Does it really matter if they like it or not?

i can do this, i can do this, i will do this.